Someday my princess will come…

I enjoyed my time so much while dungeon-hopping and I especially enjoyed the company I was with. They are all great people and I felt so at ease with them. I felt like I could be myself. As with most times that I go out, I checked in with myself beforehand and during. Much too often, I ignore how I feel in the moment, which then leads to delayed reactions. I’m known for reacting to events much later. And perhaps that is how this post came about.

For a while now, I have been watching. Sitting on the sidelines while others play. And what happens is the following: I get comfortable and watch an exchange of energy. From top to bottom (we’ll use those labels for the sake of this post), and vice versa, there is a connection. A connection that I crave like a crack whore craves her fix. I mean, sure, I crave the physical play, the act itself. But beyond that, I crave the connection and deep trust between two people. Now, I am fully aware that no one has that kind of relationship from day one. Like any relationship (friendship, partnership, marriage, whatever), there is work that must go into it. But fuck does it look good from my spectator’s eagle eye. Anyways, while dungeon-hopping, there was lots of visual stimulation. Ha, at one point, I felt like I was at a tennis match with my head moving from left to right to left so as to not miss a detail of anyone’s playing. I anticipated feeling weird about being the third wheel of sorts, the one who wouldn’t be playing. But what happened was completely unexpected.

Tangent: I should explain that up until this evening, watching was enough. Aside from engaging in some stuff behind closed doors and one unfortunate experience that I’ll go into at a later time, I had done lots of reading on the subject (that was all that was available to me). When I then discovered that I could actually socialize with people who were kinky like me, my heart soared. Yay, people with whom I could be myself with! So watching had been enough because it was like porn to my very virgin eyes. Okay, end tangent.

We were leaving for the evening and I had an epiphany. I am waiting on my princess to arrive. I want a deep meaningful relationship, yes. I’m not afraid to admit that. So I wondered to myself: how will I ever satiate that craving for play while I wait? I continue (and fear that I won’t ever stop) depriving myself of what my body wants so naturally. Fuck, all these questions swimming around in my head. Am I like those people who become celibate because they cannot deal with their homosexual urges? What is WRONG with me? I got kind of quiet on the car ride back, I couldn’t stop thinking about these things. I felt so metaphorically fucked in different ways. What was I to do? I read and hear of a lot of people in my boat who decide that they will work towards building their skill set while they wait on that special person so that they have more to offer. That is one route to take. Another route is to settle. I don’t want to settle. Unless I seriously wanted to be a sad sack of shit, settling is not an option. But I can’t avoid feeling an emptiness in my heart.