Two-faced

**deep breath** This topic has been troubling me lately. The last time I felt like I was living a double life was when I was a closeted lesbian (this really just means not being out to my family). And it really fucking sucked. It was more stress than was necessary. So I hope that through slowly exploring this, I can make some sense of it.

I often present myself in different ways. For instance, on The Love Bite, I am very crass. I practically make love to curse words. Most everywhere else, I am polite, quiet and dainty. I am quick to trust strangers but hesitate to trust people that are close to me. I am sensual with some and awkward with others. There is Nancy and then there is the everyday me. The me that doesn’t talk about the taboo things that Nancy likes/wants. The me that painfully keeps up appearances and is rarely honest about how she really feels to spare the feelings of others. Nancy is everything I wish I had the balls to be all the time with EVERYONE I KNOW. I have dreams and hopes like anyone else and the truth is that a lot of those have to do with just dropping everything to live a simple life and be fulfilled in my sexual/emotional needs in this twisted way that doesn’t seem to be widely acceptable.

When I consider somehow merging both sides of myself, it is cause for turmoil. Heh, what makes my concerns pointless is that many people in my personal life already know how of this taboo side of myself, they already know what Nancy is all about. And they either love her or are disgusted by her.

I remember opening up to a friend in college about my desire to explore erotic asphyxiation. She was less than understanding of my curiosities and was seriously concerned with how I could possibly want something like that. I am pretty cautious now who I share things with. There are so many desires that I could never bring myself to discuss. Shame has a lot to do with this. This part of why I miss being that kid that used to tie herself up and not think much about it. All I was ever concerned about was having scarves or ribbon handy and locking the door behind me.

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