That wasn’t hard after all (Part One)

After lengthy consideration, I made the decision to play in public this weekend. With who you may ask? Miss H, that’s who. Gosh, this woman intrigues me so much and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Even now, as I type this, I sit here wondering how I came to this decision. A decision which seemed to have required a lot of steps but ended up being painless.

As many people will assert, the internet and her valuable search engines are the portal through which many find their way into the kinky side of the pool. For yours truly, this is a fact. I didn’t know anyone and had no way of making contact with others who had similar urges. God forbid I actually TALK about it with someone! Eek! I started reading a lot. Not just informational items about BDSM but also TONS of erotica. There was nights I would stay up reading and imagining myself in the role of the submissive or slave in the tale I was reading. Next thing I knew, the sun had already risen. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think any of these events could actually take place. No, it was much too far-fetched. I did eventually make contact with others online, started going to munches and was then brave enough to check out the local clubs. And here we are.

But up until now, I was a voyeur. Always on the sidelines, watching others get their thrashing, hearing the crack of the whip as it landed on its mark, smelling the arousal in the air. Never feeling it myself though. Not that I haven’t had a couple of invitations. I have but something just did not feel right: the person, the energy, the approach, the moment in time. Having a history of not trusting my gut, I really forced myself to listen to these internal alerts that would aid in preventing an unsavory experience. Then there was a perfect storm (as Miss H described it). Without going into too much detail, I’ve been going through some hard times lately. I am a tightly wound up chick with a high-stress job and crazy family obligations. And what ultimately happens is the deep need to explode. Not being able to release emotion when it is so desperately what you need is torture and depressing in and of itself. I expressed these concerns to Miss H. She and I have been spending a considerable amount of time together as she has allowed me to come to her home to clean and scratch that domestic itch that I have. Plus she is just a wonderful friend to have. I found myself expressing the need to cry and the exchange went something like this:

Me: I want someone to make me cry. Seriously.
Miss H: In pain?
Me: Yes. I feel like my soul is getting clogged up with no end in sight. I feel so strange. I just need a good cry and it doesn’t come out when I need it.
Miss H: I can help!
Me: I’m ready for your help.
Miss H: Perfect. We’ll work it out within your limits.
Me: I’m excited! :)

And I was excited. Except… holy shit. What did I just agree to? Did I know what I was getting myself into? I’ve seen Miss H play and let’s just say MY ass was hurting just by watching. Was I truly ready for this? Was I asking for way more than I can handle? The thing about going to a club and watching people play is that (as a newbie) it is very easy to become intimidated. Someone can be sweet as pie but there is always that factor of that person’s knowledge surpassing your own that makes you really afraid to say or do something stupid in front of them. Miss H fits in that category for me.

I looked at our short exchange many times, wondering what should happen next. Should I go ahead and assume we’re all set? Then I remembered all the reading I had done in my years of being alone in my pervy-ness. I remembered, COMMUNICATION. I should just ask. This was when I was glad that she and I were friends before anything else. It made being straightforward a lot easier. My limits, she wanted to work within my limits.

Wait. What are those again? And what are my limits?

Fuck. How could I give an adequate answer without sounding like the “no-limits” sub that can’t just say they are inexperienced? (Again, we go back to the intimidation factor.) The truth is I don’t know what my limits are. I know I am not crazy about blood, urine and poop, but aside from that, I really had no way of knowing for sure. I swallowed my fears and reached out to her again. Our exchange went like this:

Me: I'm not entirely sure about my limits. I know I'm not crazy about seeing blood or other bodily fluids (with pussy juice being the only exception). But other than that, I'm truly not sure. :-/
Miss H: I'm comfortable playing with people who are unaware of their limits, but I assume you still want to play in private, not in public, yes?
Me: I think my only apprehensions about being in public are the insecurities related to how I will feel during and afterwards. I trust you but I kind of don't trust myself. When you say you are comfortable playing with people who are unaware of their limits, what do you mean exactly?
Miss H: For whatever reason I'm good at sensing when someone is beyond their limit, or enjoying themselves, etc. So I'm comfortable in reading people so I don't go too far. Also, my first play date with anyone is often light.
Me: Knowing this, I'm inclined to believe I may be comfortable in public. If I got emotional, how would you react to that?
Miss H: I'd like to think I'd react appropriately. I'd comfort, console with love.
Me: That made me smile and makes me feel safe. How did this happen? By "this" I mean becoming ravenous for you, for your touch, for the look in your eyes. Wtf. :-/
Miss H: I vote a perfect storm: you're ready and you feel comfortable with me. We can play Saturday, if you're comfortable.
Me: Done. :)
Miss H: Yay!! I'm so looking forward to it!
Me: What do you expect from those you play with?
Miss H: First and foremost honesty. (Autocorrect made that boobies) Be honest and open about how you're feeling at all times, and trust that I'm always there to protect you.
Me: Boobies, honesty and trust. Got it. :)

That was it. I was so worried for nothing. I get it, I understand why people who are starting out get scared to talk about their limits. On the one hand, you WANT to play and you want to gain the experience. But on the other hand, you don’t want to come across as a limp noodle or demanding in the conversations preceding play. I think that what helped in this instance is that I know Miss H. She isn’t someone I’ll never see again. She is someone that I have spent time with and have gotten to know. While she does have that authoritarian tone in her voice, I know she is also kind and caring.

This is scheduled to happen tomorrow night and I fully intend on documenting that experience to share how it all came full circle.