That wasn’t hard after all (Part Two)

Anyone that knows me VERY personally, knows that I have delayed reactions to everything. Arguments, profound experiences, road trips, you name it. So when Miss H asked me how I felt after playing on Saturday (that very night before we parted ways), I broke her cardinal rule and may have said a little white lie.

My daytime activities were filled with familial time and minor errands. During this time, I struggled to relax and be in the present. No, my being was very focused on the day coming to a close so I could feel Miss H’s hands in places she had never touched before. Places I craved her touch. The day came and went. I am a ritualistic person so getting ready to go out is an event. This was no different. I laid out my dainty fishnet stockings and a modest black slip dress and probably took the longest shower in existence. I imagined ridding myself of all negative and worrisome energy, watching it all go down the drain. I wanted to be a blank slate for Miss H. A blank slate on which she could create art and peace simultaneously.

I made a pit stop on the way to the dungeon and had a beer with old friends, hoping this would stop my imagination from constructing what the evening would be like. Where would it hurt? What would she use? Who would be around to watch? Ugh, so many questions to which I did not have the answers! As I finally made my way to the dungeon, my excitement started to build. With my Steve Madden heels in hand, I made my way up the steep driveway to the entrance. This was it. Do or motherfucking die. After settling down with Lady D (more on her in a different post) and her play partner, I watched as Miss H was working intensely on her submissive, sub Esq. Lady D pointed out how angry Miss H looked and chuckled while wishing me luck. Ha, that was reassuring in the most sarcastic way. While I am usually taking in my surroundings and eyeballing those who are playing, this night was different. I had no interest in watching others play. I just wanted it to be my turn. Miss H and sub Esq. finished up and presumably went outside for a smoke. I followed Lady D and her play partner as they picked a spot to play. Finally, Miss H and sub Esq. returned only to start chatting with acquaintances. Lady D asked me to help her with a cuff-like object and I fumbled with it nervously. Nervous because (a) I wanted Miss H to touch me so badly; and (b) I had no idea how to secure this thing onto her play partner’s wrist. After a bit, she asked sub Esq, to scope out an area for us in the downstairs portion of the dungeon. Less crowded to ease my nerves, which I am sure she picked up on. So there we went.

Brightly lit and away from the music blaring up above, we set up in a corner. She looked at the platform/bed-looking furniture before us and assessed what area should be wiped down before commencing. sub Esq. handled me the alcohol spray bottle and paper towels. Please note that I hate germs, so this gave me pleasure and made me feel good about what was about to happen. Miss H asked me if I felt comfortable undressing. We were not alone; others were playing or standing along the wall of this basement. I indicated I felt okay about it and she instructed me to undress to my comfort level. I removed my slip dress and bra, leaving only my fishnets and heels on. These last two items were picked out for the night with her viewing pleasure in mind. sub Esq. politely asked if he should stay or go. I indicated that he should go, hoping it wasn’t rude or bitchy to say so. I watched as Miss H cleaned the different items that she was preparing for our use. She calmly explained how the disinfecting agent she was using was effective at killing any bacteria. She asked me if I had any of those implements used on me before and I shook my head no. I tried my hardest not to look around to see who else was in the room. They were mostly men. Being practically naked in front of men is not something I get excited about but little did I know that they would all cease to exist in mere minutes.

Miss H asked me to lean against the platform while facing her. I instinctively closed my eyes as I felt her hands caressing my face, shoulders, breasts, legs, everywhere. I liken the experience to a rider getting to know a horse before mounting her. Miss H was getting familiar with my curves and it was ecstasy. I don’t know if my memory of what followed is blurry because my mind sunk into an abyss or if my memory just sucks. So bear with me as I take you through the experience. What were caresses slowing turned into nails digging into my skin. Miss H was quite fond of my breasts and did not spare an inch. My sensitive nipples were at her mercy. I squealed, yelped and moaned. She put on the vampire gloves carefully and showed me her open palms. Shiny and prickly things stared up at me. I giggled at first. I’m unsure if it was of pleasure or because it tickled. Maybe both. And then there was pain. It flooded my being. It was like being immersed in icy cold water. But I found myself moaning a little. My nipples felt like they were exploding sparkler fireworks. She cupped my breasts, tugged at my nipples. My eyes were shut and I was afraid to open them. Would I find her eyes looking into me?

I remember being asked to turn around and place my hands on the bar above me. I put my head down and instinctively moved my hair away from my back. I don’t know that I can describe in great detail what happened next. Speaking concretely, I was spanked, caned, scratched, caressed, and not all in that order. But at times, I found myself fighting back tears. Yes, there was pain but the tears wanted to manifest for other reasons. And I fought it. I bit my lip and practiced deep breathing. My senses came alive like never before. Peering down between my legs, I could see the shadow of the cane as she prepared to have it make contact with my derrière. Something about that image pleased me greatly. Tap, tap, tap, faster and faster until it began to sting. A smile slowly appears on my face as I re-read that last sentence. Before I realized it, Miss H and I were face-to-face and she was telling me I did well. She held me and still I did not let the tears flow. I felt loved. I could feel her energy enveloping me in nurturance and and security. This was not at all what I expected. I had approached this evening wanting a specific result. Instead I received something I had no idea I needed so badly. Someone was caring for me. I had placed my body and entire trust in someone else for the first time since I could remember.

This overwhelmed me to a great degree. How had this occurred? What energy exchange happened between us to create this bubble of protection that I lacked in my life? At the beginning of this post, I indicated that I told her a little white lie. She asked if I had enjoyed myself and I responded in the affirmative. But the truth was that I really did not know at the time how I felt. She later asked me how I felt about playing in public and I told her I was still processing (that was true). I felt frustrated while writing this post. Everything was pouring out of me in a factual manner. I cope with situations by finding logic in the details. But this was so different. I saw Miss H the next day at our local munch. I found myself stealing glances at her but without a specific goal in mind. Did I want her to look up and flash her caring eyes into my soul? Sure. But still I felt confused. Those feelings carried into the evening, through The Love Bite podcast and into my slumber. Being at work and having these thoughts swimming around was unpleasant. I was distracted and probably made tons of mistakes. The only thing that brightened moments of my day was the occasion stinging sensation on my tits and ass during minor movements. I felt needy and way too lost in my thoughts. I reached out online and someone suggested it was sub drop. I wasn’t entirely sure that was accurate and I was hesitant to define it as such. I didn’t want to contact her. I had already asked for a prolonged hug during the munch and I was determined to sift through my emotions on my own. I was going to toughen up. But it became evident that the longer I tried to maintain a semblance of togetherness, the more despair started to set in. I emailed her and she responded sooner than I expected. The contents of her message reassured me and I felt like I could breathe again. She reminded me that I experienced a lot of firsts that evening and suggested I was being a bit hard on myself. With all that is going on in my life, I thought one evening could alleviate me of all stress. But it became clear to me that I experienced what was necessary first, before any other kind of exchange could take place. That night we laid a stronger foundation for our friendship, our relationship. Our bodies connected and I made myself vulnerable to her.  In the future (if she will have me once again), the experience might be different. For now, I’m going to revel in the soreness she gifted me with.