It’s Complicated

From the moment I became involved with Miss H, I wondered how I would describe my relationship status to the vanilla people in my life.

“Hey, so you know that chick I’m always gushing about? Yea, she beats me from time to time. Its awesome!”

“Wait, you mean ‘Mistress’ isn’t synonymous with ‘babe’ or ‘sweetie?’”

“Oh, those bruises? Sucks they didn’t last longer.”

I was speaking to the only person in my family that knows about the nature of my relationship with Miss H. I spoke of the upcoming play party and probably rambled on about how giddy Miss H makes me. This person stopped me and said, “Wait. Is this really what you want?” She went on to ask me of the long-term implications of our kind of relationship and I started to regret ever saying anything. Fucking buzz-kill.

It occurred to me that I cannot gush to the same people in the same way I would over any crush. Whether it be about Miss H or to whomever my journey takes me to, I will always have to filter out the dirty kinky details. I’ll say “I’m not her only sub” and they’ll hear “I’m not enough”. I haven’t figured out how to deal with this or if I will add it to the growing pile of shit I really don’t give a fuck about anymore.

There was a time in life in which I wanted a white picket fence, kids, a husband (yuck) but this isn’t that time anymore (and I sure as fuck don’t want two of those three). My ideology of relationships and how they are formed has changed drastically in the last year. Truth be told, I don’t know what it is like to date. I only know committed relationship and fuck friend. Two extremes. I set my sights on someone and I dive in head first, whether I land on my feet no one knows! I’m not sure if this way of leading my romantic life will help or hurt me in this kinky snowglobe of a world. I do know this: in everything I do, I go balls deep. You don’t get half-assed with me.