Hot Mess
There is a relapse rate for those who get off their antidepressants. It's about 80%. But when you are flying high and everything looks peachy, it is quite easy to think you'll be the exception.
Over the course of a few weeks, I've been off of that which made me a functioning adult. I felt secure with myself. It started with missing a few doses. Sometimes, if I knew I'd be drinking alcohol, I just consciously decided not to take it (this would happen more than I want to admit). Then I just thought, what the hell? I'll just stop. No point in continuing to take antidepressants sporadically. This decision came easily. The moment I didn't tell Mistress that I made this decision should have been the first sign that this would not end well.
In retrospect, I can see red flags where I should have stopped and reassessed where my head was. I confused depression and frenzy quite often. Sometimes, I felt resentment toward Mistress because I felt her withholding her affection from me. I know now it was in response to my seemingly never ending demands for attention that I really didn't need. I felt like the world was against me in some crazy psychic way. Everything I did was wrong. I was off balance. Things that weren't a big deal suddenly became the end of the world. But what I hated most was discovering how my mental state (chemical imbalance, whatever you want to call it) had damaged my relationship with Mistress.
If you listened to our last podcast (http://www.skidrowstudios.com/?p=4339), then you heard how we had an issue over the weekend (aw, our first fight. Yea I'm sappy, what of it?). Only what you didn't hear was how it was ultimately resolved. We talked about how my "needs" have somehow become all I can think about. "Needs" that were more "wants" masked as needs. I wanted to be swallowed by the ground. She pointed out how i was starting to topping from the bottom. And I just about died of shame. It's no secret: I adore this woman. If I had to give up our relationship, I'd be devastated. Like someone-shot-a-puppy-in-front-of-me kind of devastated. To be made aware that I cornered her into a non-consensual arrangement made me sick. We talked about options. I was hesitant to get back on meds. I missed having a sex drive. On meds, my brain just shuts down in that department. Once the meds got out of my system, I enjoyed the glorious pleasure that all the others girls get to. I didn't feel broken anymore. It's a lot to give up. But in terms of keeping my emotions on check, fluoxetine is the best option for me. It works. I've tried the other stuff out there and some side effects just make me more nuts than I need to be.
I hung on to the idea that I could do other things to level out my emotions. I agreed to exercise on a regular basis. In a few weeks, we would re-evaluate where we were and if this was making a difference in me. But just last night, I felt that surge of uncontrollable sadness. The kind that hits for no reason at all except to just fuck your shit up. I talked to Mistress. And I gave in. I'd start to taking meds again the following day.
I'm not the same person without it. I'm not my best. I know it will be a few weeks until I re-adjust. And its going to suck for the next couple of weeks. But I need to do this, I must pull through.
Over the course of a few weeks, I've been off of that which made me a functioning adult. I felt secure with myself. It started with missing a few doses. Sometimes, if I knew I'd be drinking alcohol, I just consciously decided not to take it (this would happen more than I want to admit). Then I just thought, what the hell? I'll just stop. No point in continuing to take antidepressants sporadically. This decision came easily. The moment I didn't tell Mistress that I made this decision should have been the first sign that this would not end well.
In retrospect, I can see red flags where I should have stopped and reassessed where my head was. I confused depression and frenzy quite often. Sometimes, I felt resentment toward Mistress because I felt her withholding her affection from me. I know now it was in response to my seemingly never ending demands for attention that I really didn't need. I felt like the world was against me in some crazy psychic way. Everything I did was wrong. I was off balance. Things that weren't a big deal suddenly became the end of the world. But what I hated most was discovering how my mental state (chemical imbalance, whatever you want to call it) had damaged my relationship with Mistress.
If you listened to our last podcast (http://www.skidrowstudios.com/?p=4339), then you heard how we had an issue over the weekend (aw, our first fight. Yea I'm sappy, what of it?). Only what you didn't hear was how it was ultimately resolved. We talked about how my "needs" have somehow become all I can think about. "Needs" that were more "wants" masked as needs. I wanted to be swallowed by the ground. She pointed out how i was starting to topping from the bottom. And I just about died of shame. It's no secret: I adore this woman. If I had to give up our relationship, I'd be devastated. Like someone-shot-a-puppy-in-front-of-me kind of devastated. To be made aware that I cornered her into a non-consensual arrangement made me sick. We talked about options. I was hesitant to get back on meds. I missed having a sex drive. On meds, my brain just shuts down in that department. Once the meds got out of my system, I enjoyed the glorious pleasure that all the others girls get to. I didn't feel broken anymore. It's a lot to give up. But in terms of keeping my emotions on check, fluoxetine is the best option for me. It works. I've tried the other stuff out there and some side effects just make me more nuts than I need to be.
I hung on to the idea that I could do other things to level out my emotions. I agreed to exercise on a regular basis. In a few weeks, we would re-evaluate where we were and if this was making a difference in me. But just last night, I felt that surge of uncontrollable sadness. The kind that hits for no reason at all except to just fuck your shit up. I talked to Mistress. And I gave in. I'd start to taking meds again the following day.
I'm not the same person without it. I'm not my best. I know it will be a few weeks until I re-adjust. And its going to suck for the next couple of weeks. But I need to do this, I must pull through.
Hugs! I too was on Fluoxetine about 6 years ago now. I had that overwhelming sadness and I just didn't want to get out of bed or do anything and would've been happy to go to sleep and never waken at the time. Turns out it was my thyroid though and I should never have been put on these they should have investigated further at the time. However, at the moment I am also feeling that overwhelming sadness again. My thyroid levels are fine though and I know I have a lot going of which isn't helping as you know. It helps reading someone else's story and knowing that at least in this I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing. Phoenix xxx
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