"What makes her a good sub?"
I posed the question to my dear friend. I asked selfishly after he remarked that he has a very good sub. It was partially a self-serving question.
Please know that this post isn't about looking for someone to say, no you aren't those things. Just fall down this rabbit hole with me, yeah?
I asked the question because I wanted to know... What makes someone good and am I any of those things? It has been quite some time since I've been in a committed, power exchange relationship. Trauma, anxiety, and generally staying away from public gatherings has distanced me more and more from the possibility of ever entering into that kind of relationship again. Despite that, I miss the sense of belonging to another. That collared life. I stop and ask myself, what did you have to offer in the past? What made you desirable as a submissive? Surely, there had to have been a reason why anyone wanted me before. I couldn't answer this question without assuming what dominants-past were thinking and feeling at the time when they decided I might be worth acquiring. However, I can't possibly know what another thinks/feels and it isn't my place to assume that about another, so I let that go.
The further I went down this rabbit hole, the more I found myself questioning everything. What if I'm an asshole? This entire time I might be wandering through life thinking I am something that I'm not. A good submissive. Or a good person. I've become practically obsessed with how needy or selfish I must come off as. I don't know how to stop. And if I'm very honest, I'm not sure what the serving sizes are for these characteristics. I'm told it's okay to feel these things, but I'm not sure I can allow myself to believe that without also feeling that I'm a burden to any person I submit to.
Are my shortcomings as a submissive informed by who I am in a romantic relationship or vice versa? I've never had the opportunity to be a romantic partner to someone I was in service to. So you see, my submission has historically been separate. Like I said, it's been a while. I do remember that being good meant being obedient. I wish I could remember if there was something about me, a characteristic I possessed, that made me good. I got my share of "good girl" for something I took action on, but that's not what this is about.
I want to be good and I want to agree when I'm described as good.