There is a very old document on my drive. I started it when I was rather new to the scene. It started off being a yes/no/maybe list. I added and changed it over the years. It is more condensed now and contains more detailed specifics on things that I consider a hard yes or soft no. It has not changed in a couple of years. I haven't bottomed in a long time so I'm unsure how any of that may have changed. There are activities on that list that I know in my heart will always be an enthusiastic yes. I can't wait for the next time I can experience mummification, a consistent favorite. The sting of a cane...yes please. There has been a recent addition: DDlg. I can't wait to see how that can manifest.
There were a couple of new columns that were added more than one year ago. I came to realize that my needs and wants were just as important (if not more) than what I was down to do in my kinky life. These needs/wants are what informs that yes/no/maybe list. For years, it was the other way around. I was too young and immature to know what the priority was. I regret that I didn't advocate more for myself. I always had the power to exercise that and I didn't because I thought my submission was more important. When I discovered how to act on my submission in my early 20s, it became everything. I forgot about myself and the personal growth I could have forged for myself. Personal growth isn't something anyone else can do for you. I had this fantasy that I could outsource the drive to grow. Well, if the boss of me tells me to do the thing, maybe I'll actually do it. That never worked out quite the way that I envisioned it. Truth be told, I still want some form of this. The shape it takes is encouragement rather than an edict. There are elements of how I live my life that I created over time. I did the work and the credit is mine. Not a damn thing happened over night. Some of those elements were born from my entire life burning to the ground. Others were byproducts of what I did to rebuild my life. But ultimately, I had to have the drive to do it.
I never want to take the backseat in my own life ever again. Ever. My needs and wants will fluctuate just like my yes/no/maybe list. The difference between my needs and wants seem to blend together. I still need to figure out how this has evolved, but here is the original draft.