My own motherfucking path


Last week, work rolled out a new collaborative platform to IM, share documents, and all the other stuff that lends itself to productivity. I was part of the pilot group and loved that my swearing was unchained. But much to my dismay, ass-licker, bitchface, and countless others were now off limits. Added to some arbitrary library managed by some asshole that wanted to hamper my self-expression. Fuck that guy. 

It's more than just questioning authority. 

In the context of relationships, when you start to follow blindly, the common result is that you lose yourself in the identity of the other person. This is what we call co-dependence. The bad kind where your happiness depends highly on the happiness of another. 

How can you reach self actualization when everything (or most things) you do are purely at the direction of another?

I'm addicted to approval. I will ride on a "good girl" accolade for the day if not longer. I want to make him happy. Anticipate needs. I want to prove my value. That I'm worth being his. I like to be congratulated for my achievements no matter how small. But in D/s, this can mean (or has meant) that the rules can be arbitrary. Someone else is deciding what qualifies as worthy of achievement. In the most ideal cases, these rules can be for your best interest. Perhaps you're trying to reach a goal and need an incentive/deterrent to get there.  

I believe it takes a left turn at the part where it isn't a joint decision. There hasn't been sufficient negotiation.
I don't understand why it wouldn't be a joint decision. It is after all a relationship, right? I speak from a place of not having been in a power exchange relationship that was also romantic. However, I do remember being in romantic, vanilla relationships. No one made blanket decisions for anyone. 

It's hard for me to be angry now that I'm writing this. I was angry when I saw the topic at hand. My anger has dulled significantly because I have been reading other takes on this. I've also been going through a seriously intense bout of depression, which left me unable to write with the same fervor that I initially felt. As the fog lifted and I revisited my draft, I was reminded of the primary thing I'm unwilling to surrender. Autonomy. I've worked hard as all fuck for that shit and the day I give away any of that will need to be a long, hard discussion with myself about what that means.

So fuck every motherfucker that tries to stifle me. Fuck that. And fuck whoever manages Microsoft Teams. Fuck those guys especially.


No True Way

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