Tabula Rasa

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to someone who expressed their preference for only playing with bottoms with experience. When I asked for clarification, I was told that playing with someone who was at the beginning of their journey was troublesome and time-consuming, basically no fun. I took this in and thought to myself, “I wonder if most people feel this way?” I started feeling even more metaphorically fucked than before. Other than experiences behind closed doors with lovers, I wear that label of a novice. If people (in general) do not want to take the time to play with someone new, how was I ever to gain any experience? I hardly equate watching and participating as experience. In what I have learned thus far (as well as what I want), this is kind of outlook on play partners is not really conducive to someone who looking for something a bit more serious or who wants to gain experience.

While I do want a relationship, right now I want to learn as much as I can about my desires and what it means to make them come to fruition. Rather than to scream that I have NO LIMITS (which I do not think can be accurate of a novice), I want to be open to new experiences while maintaining self-love and checking in with myself constantly. I have a horrible habit of ignoring my inner voice. I have heard time and time again: how do you know something is really a limit unless you try it? Well, I know I don’t have to try to get one of limbs cut off to know that is not something I want. But aside from the obvious meaning of that statement, I have been struggling with pinpointing which desires I am ready to bring out into the open and which may need to wait.

I have made the mistake of rushing into things. Much like this weekend, a while back I felt insatiable. And this led to a regrettable experience that cannot be taken back. A result of being unprepared and asking for more than I could take. But having brushed that off, being past my other experiences with sexual assault, issues with neglect and abandonment, I am still here. I know being submissive is a huge part of who I am and I feel ready to explore that. But that takes me back to my original queries.

I suppose I could wrap it up in a bow and say it is a matter of preference. No one should ever feel obligated to play (or do anything for that matter) with someone they do not want to engage in. Plus, since that kind of attitude is not in tune with what I want and seek, it becomes a non-issue. So. Assuming one has procured a play partner/significant other/insert term here, how can a submissive make their interests and disinterests known? What kind of self-reflection must happen to be aware of these? Is it really as simple as looking at a BDSM checklist? I looked back on one I completed a long time ago and noticed how much my interests had changed. So I went back and changed my answers to some items. This prompted me to think about what some of these acts would mean to me (Side note: I like that this particular checklist was electronic and could be saved). I made the necessary changes. But it still left me with a lingering question. How do I make my needs known when asked? I tend to clam up when put on the spot and that is many times perceived as rude. Heh, what can I say? I’m not always a loud, potty mouth. This is still a hurdle I have yet to clear but making one’s needs known is basic, whether or not you have dirty/naughty needs. :)