Words and shit

D-type. My phone's keyboard learned this word (phrase?). It also learned D/s, Sir, Daddy, and at one point, Mistress. I taught it what was once taught to me.
I'm not sure these honorifics mean anything to me anymore, but I've also been away from all that for a bit. I remember the vocabulary part of my indoctrination how ever many million years ago. Learning to be respectful meant addressing people appropriately, how they wished to be addressed. I'm not sure there was ever a problem with that. Kind of like when Katherine prefers to be addressed as Kathy. Pretty harmless. But as it turns out, being respectful is simply making the choice to not be an asshole. My phone still knows D-type and s-type. They are catch-alls for what could be any role; I still place value in being respectful of relationship types. Most people I knew in the community are FB friends. Real names are known. Vanilla lives are known and sometimes we are a pretty intimate part of each other's lives.

Happy Wanting to Die Anniversary

No, really. Happy to get to be around for an anniversary like this. Happy that I'm around to know I do not want to die. I thought I would have some kind of shitty day. I braced myself. However, other than feeling tired from a typical night of meh sleep, it really felt like a typical day. 

Check out the below for yourself or someone you know. 
Suicide Prevention Resources

Just take the goddamn meds already

I remember the small cups that were on a tray. Each containing pills. Just like you've seen on One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or Girl Interrupted. You wait for your name to be called. The cup with your meds and another small cup of water are handed to you. You have to open your mouth and lift your tongue to show you took them. I remember how excited I was months later when I felt the impact of a good cocktail. Finally a path to peace in my head. Pills aren't the only part of the solution, but they do make it easier to get to a stable place. 
Lately, I've been taking them later and later in the day. Sometimes I think about not taking them at all. And then yesterday, I didn't take them at all. This scared me quite a bit. I've seen that story play out. It is a shit show. I received caring reminders to take them today and I did. 
I've been obsessing over why I've been so ambivalent about meds. Much like everything else in my life, I have an itch to know the …

Oh to be daddied!

Tea to be spilled...

¡Deja te cuento el chisme! - Spanish-language proverb (not really; I'm being silly) commonly exclaimed when gossip is about to be shared.
Over the course of my life, I have been involved in many conversation that started with some variation of "giiiiiiiiirrrrrrrlll, let me tell you". During the ongoing self criticism that my brain doles out to me, I always assume that if some intimate piece of myself is revealed I will be the subject of that kind of conversation. I panic. What will be said about me? What will people think of me? Will I lose friends?
The truth is that unless it impacts that person directly, it is highly likely that they don't actually care. 
Do you remember that time that you discovered your new kink? And then, because you weren't terribly familiar with the societal customs connected with that kink, maybe you experienced some level of shame? Your mind starts spinning. 
What will happen if someone finds out that I'm into this? 
Consider that the…


There is a very old document on my drive. I started it when I was rather new to the scene. It started off being a yes/no/maybe list. I added and changed it over the years. It is more condensed now and contains more detailed specifics on things that I consider a hard yes or soft no. It has not changed in a couple of years. I haven't bottomed in a long time so I'm unsure how any of that may have changed. There are activities on that list that I know in my heart will always be an enthusiastic yes. I can't wait for the next time I can experience mummification, a consistent favorite. The sting of a cane...yes please. There has been a recent addition: DDlg. I can't wait to see how that can manifest. 
There were a couple of new columns that were added more than one year ago. I came to realize that my needs and wants were just as important (if not more) than what I was down to do in my kinky life. These needs/wants are what informs that yes/no/maybe list. For years, it was the …


During my stint in a mental health facility* a couple of years ago, I picked up skills that I lacked. Skills that could have made it easier to process painful events, assert boundaries, and a metric fuck ton of things. I call upon those skills very frequently. Sometimes I don't even notice it because it has become second nature. I'm grateful to have achieved that.
However, one these skills stands out from the rest. It is by far the one that helps me the most when I start to feel the all too familiar spiral. That shit show always starts with one thought. Everyone hates you, you'll never be more than you are now, and (the most popular) you are and will always be alone. That's when this most useful skill kicks in. It's an acronym that I use to challenge any of these thoughts that the darkness in my brain likes to conjure. The goal is to challenge and reframe the thought. Think.
Is it True? This is always the hardest one to get through. My self worth is something I always…