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Tea to be spilled...

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¡Deja te cuento el chisme! - Spanish-language proverb (not really; I'm being silly) commonly exclaimed when gossip is about to be shared.
Over the course of my life, I have been involved in many conversation that started with some variation of "giiiiiiiiirrrrrrrlll, let me tell you". During the ongoing self criticism that my brain doles out to me, I always assume that if some intimate piece of myself is revealed I will be the subject of that kind of conversation. I panic. What will be said about me? What will people think of me? Will I lose friends?
The truth is that unless it impacts that person directly, it is highly likely that they don't actually care. 
Do you remember that time that you discovered your new kink? And then, because you weren't terribly familiar with the societal customs connected with that kink, maybe you experienced some level of shame? Your mind starts spinning. 
What will happen if someone finds out that I'm into this? 
Consider that the…

Evolving

There is a very old document on my drive. I started it when I was rather new to the scene. It started off being a yes/no/maybe list. I added and changed it over the years. It is more condensed now and contains more detailed specifics on things that I consider a hard yes or soft no. It has not changed in a couple of years. I haven't bottomed in a long time so I'm unsure how any of that may have changed. There are activities on that list that I know in my heart will always be an enthusiastic yes. I can't wait for the next time I can experience mummification, a consistent favorite. The sting of a cane...yes please. There has been a recent addition: DDlg. I can't wait to see how that can manifest. 
There were a couple of new columns that were added more than one year ago. I came to realize that my needs and wants were just as important (if not more) than what I was down to do in my kinky life. These needs/wants are what informs that yes/no/maybe list. For years, it was the …

THINK

During my stint in a mental health facility* a couple of years ago, I picked up skills that I lacked. Skills that could have made it easier to process painful events, assert boundaries, and a metric fuck ton of things. I call upon those skills very frequently. Sometimes I don't even notice it because it has become second nature. I'm grateful to have achieved that.
However, one these skills stands out from the rest. It is by far the one that helps me the most when I start to feel the all too familiar spiral. That shit show always starts with one thought. Everyone hates you, you'll never be more than you are now, and (the most popular) you are and will always be alone. That's when this most useful skill kicks in. It's an acronym that I use to challenge any of these thoughts that the darkness in my brain likes to conjure. The goal is to challenge and reframe the thought. Think.
Is it True? This is always the hardest one to get through. My self worth is something I always…

Let's start at the very beginning

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It starts with preparing your bare skin to press against the leather of that spanking horse. Clothes are unzipped. Maybe your belt unbuckled. It all drops to the floor. You position yourself. Your heart can't help but beat stronger and stronger, creating the bass for music that is to follow through you and of you.
Each instrument is laid out, waiting to hit it's note and tell a story with their own sound and texture. It starts with taps. Soft ones from the steel cane right in the sweet spot where your leg meets your ass. It starts with being cold against your skin, but slowly the warmth from your body takes over. The thud consumes you and becomes one with the beating of your heart.
Slap, goes the flogger. Yes, your favorite one. The one makes you writhe in pleasure. The paddle is picked up. You flinch in anticipation of the pain, which is almost worse. The searing sensation elicits screams of pain.  Your muscles tense after each hit. Your desires betray you when your body rel…

"What makes her a good sub?"

I posed the question to my dear friend. I asked selfishly after he remarked that he has a very good sub. It was partially a self-serving question. 
Please know that this post isn't about looking for someone to say, no you aren't those things. Just fall down this rabbit hole with me, yeah?
I asked the question because I wanted to know... What makes someone good and am I any of those things? It has been quite some time since I've been in a committed, power exchange relationship. Trauma, anxiety, and generally staying away from public gatherings has distanced me more and more from the possibility of ever entering into that kind of relationship again. Despite that, I miss the sense of belonging to another. That collared life. I stop and ask myself, what did you have to offer in the past? What made you desirable as a submissive? Surely, there had to have been a reason why anyone wanted me before. I couldn't answer this question without assuming what dominants-past were thinki…

Depression is my dark passenger

Disclaimer: I'm absolutely keeping myself safe.

In which I lose my fucking shit