#90

I don’t typically feel like sharing what I have journaled to my Mistress. And even now I hesitate to copy and paste. I get anxious about opening up too much (thank you trust issues) and exposing myself to hurt or harsh comments. But this is me raw, uncensored and just so tired:

Mistress:
With the start of a new week, i'm trying not to think of all that is to come and that i must get done AND things i'd like to do:

• work stuff 
• my mom's CT scan
• attending Mistress Melissa's pain management class
• follow up appointment with the oncologist
• getting ready for the weekend trip
• taking time to clean up (there is a clear path from my bed to the bathroom and stuff on the floor around that)
• doing laundry and getting rid of clothes i'm not wearing anymore.
• re-ordering some medicines for my mom
• getting her some personal items, shoes, sweater for her dress, do her nails, pack her things for the weekend
• coordinate with ****** on our itinerary for the weekend
• make sure i go to the gym and journal consistently this week
• give You space when my gut says i should (in addition to when You request it)
• clean for You on Thursday
• make daily check lists so i make sure to brush my teeth, bathe and take my medicine
• remind the neighbors to watch over the dogs while we are gone

i am sure i am forgetting something and this scares me. When i started to notice a weird taste in my mouth today at lunch, i went to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth. When i saw how much blood was in the sink, i panicked. All i could think was, wow, this is the very last thing i need. i started to become unreasonably upset. i couldn't handle it though it was something minor and was likely caused by the biscuit I ate irritating my gums that are already so sensitive. Caring for myself has become so much harder then ever before. i feel so frozen and debilitated at times. The only times i ever really feel active is when i am running around getting stuff done. So when i saw all that blood, i just felt weak, like i didn't deserve to worry about myself and whatever was going on. i don't matter right now but i have dark thoughts about whether i have mattered at all to myself in the past.

i am scared of waking up tomorrow and not doing things correctly. i don't want to admit that sometimes i don't want to wake up because that would be cowardly. i feel pathetic, like i am slowly becoming a shadow of what i used to be. There is no lifeline, there is no knight in shining armor. There is nothing. Nothing to protect me or shield me, even from my own hurtful words about myself. How does that work? How can one help others or be useful to another while being so useless to their self? Am i on overdrive? What is the driving force behind my seemingly automatic actions? How can i harness that into caring for myself? These are questions to which i do not expect You (or anyone) to have the answers to but they are things i wonder about.

i've started to loathe journaling. As a general rule, i read over what i have written. And when i write about things in this way, this straightforward way, i get upset. i feel like i cannot function when i am upset. i start thinking about how i cannot crumble. There is no time to be a mess. i am relied upon to get specific things done. i told my mom that maybe one of my siblings could take my place for a week putting in the medicine she needs on a nightly basis. She looked me straight in the eye and said no. She said she didn't trust anyone else. So, no, letting myself get upset is not an option sometimes. It feels impossible to put myself together again afterwards. i prefer to operate like a machine sometimes. Machines get the job done without skipping a beat. My siblings think i behave coldly but it is one of the only ways i know how to cope. Thinking in terms of organizing, schedules and facts is comforting. Consistency and reliability keep me calm and help me feel in control of myself. i need to stop writing now. i need to give in to the want of remaining calm for as long as possible so i can get up tomorrow and do all that is necessary and then some.

So there you have it. I have an enormous level of gratitude for those of you sending your positive thoughts. I often forget just how many people care and I want to be better about reaching out for help. It has been a rough weekend but I am sure I’ll wake up tomorrow, ready to go. There is no alternative to simply doing what I must. As @apangdon says, thank you and goodnight.